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Today, March, 2008

Help for the Sexually Desperate

More and more, Christian men are admitting they've been
caught in a vicious cycle.

John W. Kennedy | posted
3/07/2008 08:17AM

One by one, men trickle into the unadorned upstairs
church classroom for their regular Thursday night meeting. But the
gathering isn't to discuss plans for evangelism outreach, worship-song
selection, or expanding the nursery.

"I'm Kevin and I'm a recovering sex addict," one of the
eight men seated around the table says shortly after the meeting begins.
Each man talks uninterruptedly for up to five minutes about how he's faced
a myriad of sexual temptations. No one is allowed to advise, criticize,
defend, or excuse the behavior of another man during this faith-based,
90-minute, 12-step recovery meeting called Operation Integrity.

These aren't convicted pedophiles or registered sex
offenders. They are churchgoers, businessmen, and seemingly model
husbands. Throughout the country, there are men by the millions sitting
comfortably in church pews every Sunday who haven't told anyone about
their sexual addiction. But the men in this room have come to terms with
their own powerlessness over destructive sexual habits.

After sharing their stories, the men take turns reading
paragraphs from When Lost Men Come Home, written by Operation
Integrity (OI) founder David Zailer. Lively discussion ensues.

The meeting provides a roller-coaster ride of successes and
frustrations from the past week. Words such as "sin," "addiction," "acting
out," and "selfishness" are repeated. These men are doing better than when
they started the group; none is where he hopes to be.

This OI chapter meets at Coast Hills Community Church, a
nondenominational Southern Californian megachurch in Aliso Viejo, where
Zailer attends. The men represent four area congregations.

Sonny relates the temptation of seeing a curvaceous female
wearing a string bikini at a nearby beach; not only that, she came up to
him and started a conversation.

"Why would a woman be wearing a string bikini during the
last week of October?" Sonny asks his tablemates, and then tells them he
resisted the urge to exchange phone numbers.

By the end of the evening, there are hugs and backslaps. The
men have laughed and cried together in Christian brotherhood.

"We're all in this foxhole together," Sonny says after the
meeting. "I gain strength from these men."

Zailer, who invited Christianity Today to attend this
confidential session, says, "Nothing else will go real well in our
recovery until we get as honest as we can. A guy may show up because he
feels guilty, his wife demanded it, or he may have good intentions. But if
he's not broken, he won't stay. Our program is for desperate
men."
Beyond Lust

The dividing line between sexual lust and addiction is often
hard to draw. While not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), sexual addiction is widely recognized as
a harmful behavior with a strong biochemical component (e.g., by the Mayo
Clinic). An addiction to sex, experts say, is defined by obsessive sexual
behavior regardless of the growing negative consequences for the person or
their relationships. The sex addict has tried to stop but hasn't been able
to do so, despite destructive results and deep feelings of shame. The
addict can never hate the sin or himself enough to stop.

A widely recognized authority, Patrick Carnes, author and
executive director of the Gentle Path program at Pine Grove Behavioral
Health and Addiction Services in Mississippi, estimates that 8 percent of
adult men and 3 percent of adult women become sexually addicted at some
point in their lives (this article will focus on the greater problem, male
sexual addiction). That means roughly 12 million or more Americans may
have this disorder. The sex addict becomes hooked on the neurochemical
response of the body during sexual behavior, which may include compulsive
masturbation, anonymous sex, multiple partners, exhibitionism, voyeurism,
viewing Internet pornography, or crimes such as sexual abuse and rape.

Christian counselors and psychologists say the extent of the
sex-addiction problem and the scarcity of treatment programs means
millions of churchgoing men and women remain stuck in a cycle of sexual
addiction, sometimes for decades. Guilt and shame keep them suffering in
silence. A church culture that provides few opportunities to address
sexual sin inhibits most addicts from telling anyone else. Often the
addict doesn't seek help until a crisis occurs—such as being fired for
looking at Internet porn at work.

New faith-based addiction recovery organizations that
understand sex addiction are beginning to emerge. There are more than 60
recovery groups around the country specifically for sex addiction. That
includes Pure Warriors, Pure Desire, Pure Life, Operation Integrity, and
the Samson Society. Most operate on a small scale and are growing
gradually.

Their methods differ, but all these programs share the
belief that an addict is powerless to change behavior on his own. The OI
meeting in Aliso Viejo included:

Kevin, 53, a real-estate agent caught by his wife
looking at Internet porn before a Sunday morning church service.

Tommy, 35, a political consultant who spent more
than three years participating in mate-swapping on Saturday nights, and
regularly sitting in church on Sunday mornings.

Nelson, 38, a self-employed businessman
discovered by his girlfriend carrying on an emotional relationship in
cyberspace.

Evan, 43, a building contractor who claims to
have had sexual intercourse with more than 1,000 women.

Perceived lack of sexual fulfillment is a common precursor
to sex addiction. Nate Larkin, founder of the Samson Society, told CT that
an addiction may start with a preoccupying sense of dissatisfaction,
followed by a craving for relief. Then comes creation of a plan, followed
by deception, and then the compulsive sexual act itself.

"The euphoria would pass, leaving me disappointed, awash in
self-loathing, cursing myself for my stupidity, and promising never ever
to do that again," Larkin, 51, writes in Samson and the Pirate Monks:
Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood. "I would step back into my
regular life with renewed resolve, but before long my inner emptiness and
dissatisfaction would start screaming for relief, and the cycle would
begin again."

Douglas Weiss, 45, executive director of Heart to Heart
Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, says an addict's brain doesn't
discern whether his sexual behavior is moral or immoral—the addict only
knows that this is a place to feel loved, important, and significant,
albeit only temporarily.

The average addict is double-minded. Part of him desires to
live a holy life. Another part wants to gaze at porn or have casual sex.
An addict deceives himself by thinking he can control his improper
behavior.

"Satan loves it when we think we can defeat this on our
own," says Mark R. Laaser, author of Healing the Wounds of Sexual
Addiction. Laaser, 57, believes anger is the primary reason Christian
men commit sexual sin. "They are angry at God, angry at their spouse,
angry at church," he says. "They feel abandoned."

Laaser says there is often an "entitlement factor": Many men
minimize the sin because they believe they are overworked and
underappreciated; therefore, looking at porn and masturbating is no big
deal.
Disease or Sin?

Is sexual addiction a disease or simply immoral behavior?
Bob Hughes, a clinical psychologist in Laguna Hills, California, speaks
for many Christian therapists in seeing sex addiction as both a sinful
choice and a biological disease.

One may begin by repeatedly making a sexual choice that
turns into an addiction. Then, "as an addiction, it can grab onto a person
and rob him of his volition," says Hughes, who helped Zailer in his
recovery and has referred 30 clients to OI.

Heart to Heart's Weiss, who has been sober for 20 years,
conducts intensive three-day seminars so sex addicts can determine the
profile of their addiction, whether its dynamics are primarily biological,
psychological, spiritual, trauma-based, or related to sexual avoidance, or
a combination thereof. Weiss, author of The Final Freedom: Pioneering
Sexual Addiction Recovery, says once a pattern is identified,
strategies are developed for treatment.

Although sex addiction has been around for centuries, only
in the past generation has it been recognized also as an illness, much
like alcohol and drug addiction. Thirty years ago, Pine Grove's Carnes
pioneered research that showed how sex addicts' brains undergo changes
during the point of orgasm, akin to the euphoria a cocaine addict feels.
And as with drug addiction, over time the sex addict chases new highs to
try to create the same feeling, a feeling that the brain now craves. In
the wake of Carnes's research, groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and
Sexaholics Anonymous formed.

While Christian men often think of their addiction primarily
as a sinful obsession with sex, the compulsive and destructive nature of
the problem shows that more is going on. Zailer asserts, "People can't
change the sin until they address the disease part," meaning the
neurochemical craving that overwhelms them.

As with many leaders of recovery groups, the handsome and
muscular Zailer seems an unlikely candidate to be in a recovery group. A
family friend from church began to sexually abuse him at age eight.
Alcoholism and crack-cocaine dependency followed. He spent five years as a
porn actor.

As an alternative to an eight-year prison term for drug
crimes, Zailer spent eighteen months in a treatment program. While trying
to stop his sex addiction, Zailer says he became increasingly obsessive
about sex. "I made repeated commitments to stop," he says. "But no amount
of self-determination or religious activity protected me."

Zailer found few in church circles eager to hear honest talk
about sexual sin. Zailer began OI on a 12-step model in 2001. There are
now six groups in three states. Everyone who attends OI has a phone list
and develops his own friendships within the group. A guy who wants help
initiates a call to a sponsor, sometimes daily. Zailer earns a living by
building swimming pools. His day is full of cell phone calls from men
looking for encouragement. He typically signs off with a heartfelt, "Love
ya."
Internet Accelerates Addiction

Until recently, those who suffered sexual abuse during
childhood have been at a higher risk of sexual addiction. Sexual abuse
tends to produce oppressive or repressive behavior. A victim will attempt
to change the outcome of what happened through "reenactment." This is
often done with subconscious motives. Four out of five sex addicts are
sex-abuse survivors, according to Carnes.

Three out of four suffered physical abuse and nearly all
have been emotionally abused, he says. Many addicts eventually learn that
sexual issues had been a problem in the lives of their fathers.

But now, the Internet has made practically anyone
vulnerable, and it has nothing to do with abuse.

"We used to think that the pressure of childhood trauma was
one of the essential ingredients in the creation of the sex addict,"
Laaser says. "But the Internet has changed that. Now there are people
without the extensive history [of abuse] who get sucked into sex
addiction."

"There are now people struggling with sexual compulsivity
who never would have been if not for the Internet," Carnes writes in the
third edition of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual
Addiction.

Viewing pornography is nearly always accompanied by
masturbation. Swirling emotions surround the mood-altering experience.
Some men never move past this stage. Addicts bring different beliefs into
their views on pornography, based on their spiritual and familial
backgrounds. It also depends on how much and what type of pornography is
being consumed. Progression will likely be quicker for someone who watches
orgy films nightly than for someone looking at a soft-core porn magazine
monthly. If sex is the top "medicator" of an addict, progression is rapid.
The addict develops a tolerance for new behaviors if they bring temporary
relief.

Others progress rapidly to increasingly exotic, perverse,
and even illegal sexual behavior: exhibitionism, voyeurism, strip clubs,
lap dances, massage parlors, adultery, prostitution, homosexual liaisons,
rape, incest, bestiality, or child molestation—anything to feed the
craving.

"A major factor in progression is what a guy fantasizes
about during sexual release," Weiss says. "If a guy masturbates to
something it would take a prostitute to do, he's more likely to find
one."
Confession Works

Most experts believe recovery should not be
one-size-fits-all, but tailored to the individual. In most cases, a
personal accountability partner and weekly group meetings are supplemented
with professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, or
even in-patient treatment.

Christian counselors agree that wholeness must begin with
confessing the sin and stopping the behavior. Healing requires the addict
to accept responsibility for succumbing to a life of addiction rather than
blame his upbringing, wife, or society.

In the early stages of his recovery, Laaser says he needed
to have daily accountability and go to weekly support groups. After being
sober for two decades, such stringent vigilance isn't required, he says,
and depicting someone as a lifelong sex addict can be counterproductive.
"People get better," Laaser says. "Am I still a sex addict per se? No, I'm
a man who's vulnerable to sexuality."

Still, Laaser believes in safety in numbers. The more in a
man's circle aware of his problems, the greater the probability he will
get better. "One guy is not enough," he says. "What if that guy is sick,
or not home, or not in a good mood that day? Plus it's tough to fool 10
guys."

In an accountability network, participants recognize they
will at times be too vulnerable or too weak to call for help. Thus, an
addict gives permission to other men to call and check on him.

"I have never met anyone who has experienced
sexual-addiction recovery alone," Weiss says. "When you are accountable,
sobriety is a much greater goal than just being abstinent."

Some experts suggest reconditioning behavior is the key.
Weiss advocates snapping a rubber band on the wrist every time there is an
inappropriate thought. Fred Stoeker, coauthor of the Every Man's
Battle series, teaches a technique he calls "bouncing the
eyes"—turning one's attention elsewhere whenever seeing something sexually
explicit.

Still others take a different approach. Steve Gallagher, who
founded Pure Life Ministries in 1986, isn't enthusiastic about
introspective psychotherapy. Gallagher, 53, believes support groups
encourage participants to keep that particular sin in the forefront of
their identity, even years after recovery. He says, "Biblical
accountability was never meant to be a group of men sitting in a circle
discussing their failures."

Most men, he believes, aren't willing to sever old habits
that lead to sin, such as watching whatever they want on television. "A
man can go to psychologists, support groups, or deliverance services,"
Gallagher writes in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry. "He can be
prayed for by a famous evangelist or commit himself to a sexual-addiction
clinic, but if he wants to overcome habitual sin, he must learn to walk in
the Spirit."

Tools such as Internet filters and accountability partners
can help for a season, Gallagher says, but until a man experiences real
repentance, he will remain stuck in sexual sin.

That much everyone seems to believe. Larkin says that only
when he surrendered his will completely to God rather than trying to fix
things through his own moral efforts did healing begin. "For those of us
who spent years resolutely steering our lives from one ditch to another,"
says Larkin, "one of the most practical ways to surrender to Christ is to
pick up the telephone and tell the truth to another Christian."

Zailer says, "It's important to keep a pulse on the problem.
Recovery is wasted when we forget our failures."
Shattered Vows

Not surprisingly, sexual addiction has a devastating effect
on marriages. Laaser's wife, Debra, thought she had a loving and stable
marriage. Her husband had a career as a respected full-time marriage
counselor. He also taught part time as a Christian college professor and
served as an interim preacher.

Debra experienced the shock of her life 15 years into the
marriage: Her husband had been fired for initiating sex with several
vulnerable women clients. At the time, Mark had almost completed a
doctorate in religion and psychology.

It's taken 20 years for Debra, 57, to be emotionally ready
to write about the experience in Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for
Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed.

Initially she asked, Should I make him move out? Will I ever
feel like letting him touch me again? Will I ever be able to trust him
again? Other worries came after her husband went to rehab. What do I tell
the three kids? Have I been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases? Do I
really know everything that happened?

Mark admits that he had become a skillful liar. Trust was
rebuilt slowly. Ultimately Debra realized she couldn't mother or rescue
her husband. "If you will not or cannot give up your role of Director of
Husband Security," she writes, "he will continue to find ways to sneak
around your devices."

The wife of Pure Life's founder, Kathy Gallagher, learned
she had married a sex addict soon after their wedding. Steve told his
20-year-old bride that she was too skinny and not pretty enough. Thinking
Steve would truly love her if she acquiesced to his sexual demands, Kathy
agreed to look at porn with him.

Then he wanted her to participate in orgies. Afraid to lose
the marriage, she complied, but began using drugs to numb her conscience.
Two months later, after discovering that her increasingly insatiable
husband had been going to massage parlors and visiting prostitutes, she
left him. After Steve agreed to get help, Kathy returned. They have been
married for 28 years, and she has been administrator of Pure Life
Ministries for 19 years.

Whatever form infidelity takes, the spouse is left feeling
betrayed, alone, and afraid. Debra Laaser says many wives are hurt more by
the deception than the infidelity. How the wife reacts to a husband's
sexual addiction is a determining factor in healing. Some women naïvely
think a one-time confession by their husband will resolve everything.
Other wives, even those who have ignored warning signs, file for divorce
at the first revelation of porn use.

There is no blanket answer to when and how much to tell
one's wife. While complete honesty is the best policy, some experts say
addicts make the mistake of blurting out too much too soon. "Wives should
not be the dumping ground for guilt and shame," Zailer says. "If a guy has
taken 20 years to mess up his life, it's not going to get better in three
days."

On the other hand, Debra Laaser recommends full disclosure
up front rather than the installment plan. "Knowing the whole truth is
foundational to building a new life together, because the new structure
must be built on honesty and openness," she writes. "Your husband can stop
living with secrets that keep him hiding his behaviors, lying, and walking
on eggshells in fear of your finding out." The Laasers, who have been
married for 35 years, now work together helping sex addicts through
Faithful and True Ministries.

"I advise guys to give wives a categorical confession, but
not subject her to any specifics she hasn't asked about," Larkin
says.
Stigma Lingers

Typically, pastors aren't trained to deal with sexual sins,
let alone addiction. Many denominations have a zero-tolerance policy when
it comes to porn use, so a pastor isn't likely to confess his porn viewing
to a superior if it means losing his livelihood. Yet can the church be
truly effective if it's not a safe place for a man to divulge details
about his ongoing struggles? If the struggles are dealt with early, it
can't help but slow down the rate of addiction. But talking about sexual
problems is difficult in a church setting.

"The church is going to have to decide if it's going to
fight to be the pure bride of Christ," says Stuart Vogelman, executive
director of Pure Warrior Ministries in Valleyford, Washington. "It's
probably going to be the toughest battle the church has ever faced, and
most churches are not equipped for it."

Ted Roberts's ministry is an exception. For 15 years,
Roberts has led thousands of men in sexual purity classes at East Hill
Foursquare Church in Gresham, Oregon. This year, the 63-year-old senior
pastor will relinquish the pulpit he's held for 22 years and work full
time with Pure Desire Ministries.

In weekly meetings and more frequent phone calls, Pure
Desire men spend two to five years stopping unhealthy sexual behaviors.
Since 1990, more than 1,000 men have completed Pure Life Ministries'
six-month residential treatment program.
Integrity
Daily

Nate Larkin is a low-key, pensive, bookish-looking man,
befitting someone who earned a master's of divinity from Princeton
Theological Seminary. Following graduation, he became a successful,
dynamic pastor in the eyes of his thriving congregation.

Larkin's story has similarities to Zailer's: a strict
religious upbringing that included frequent church attendance, a distant
father, a mother who committed suicide, a decision to cease sexually
acting out at age 41, and brutal transparency about addiction.

For Larkin, the descent from pornography into a series of
encounters with streetwalkers escalated rapidly. The first occurred en
route to a Christmas Eve candlelight service at which he officiated. In
exchange for fellatio, he paid the prostitute the $20 he had earmarked for
the collection plate.

Larkin details his former life and return to integrity in
Samson and the Pirate Monks. The book tells about the start in 2004
of the Samson Society, a community of Christian believers committed to
collaborative discipleship (see "These Guys Are Really Screwed Up," page
30). Larkin, who now earns an income producing technical reports for
engineers, doesn't want to fall into leadership traps that led to a
swelled head as a pastor.

Every Monday night, Larkin attends a one-hour Samson Society
meeting at his home church, Christ Community, a PCA congregation in
Franklin, Tennessee. On a rainy night in November, 15 men sit down on blue
padded chairs arranged in a large circle in a classroom with
mustard-colored walls. Some guys are in their 20s; others in their 60s.
Some are handsome and muscular, others scrawny and plain. They are at
different stages of healing.

Tonight's discussion is on hope, selected from a list of
more than 200 suggestions, a different one of which is chosen each week.
After preliminaries, the men count off by threes to break up into random
groups of five. The smaller circles provide time for the men to laugh,
joke, or cry without being interrupted, confronted, or corrected. It's a
time to spew innermost fears, joys, and frustrations. It's a place to be
heard and affirmed. Men can share more than once. There might be long
silent pauses.

During the meeting within the meeting, Larkin's cell phone
buzzes four times, all calls from other Samson attendees around the
country. There are Samson groups in 17 states. Scarcely an hour of the day
goes by that Larkin doesn't take or make a phone call related to Samson.
Usually they are brief check-ins. Occasionally a crisis occurs that will
precipitate a long conversation.

Men refrain from offering advice at Samson meetings. That is
reserved for private, more involved get-togethers with one's trustworthy
traveling companion, called a "Silas." Samson is not so much about what
happens at the meetings as in between.

A man usually connects with his Silas on the phone every
day, offering encouragement and feedback. It's more about forming real
relationships, not oppressive accountability. "If it feels like checking
in with a parole officer, it gets old fast," Larkin says after the
meeting, when most men head off to a local Irish pub or a Mexican
restaurant for further fellowship.

Larkin goes to McCreary's to meet Allie, his wife of 29
years. Nate first mentioned he had a struggle with porn four years into
their marriage. She assumed everything was fine because he rarely
mentioned it again. But in 1998, Allie, already in menopause, found a
condom among Nate's possessions. If she had known the depth of his
addiction at first, she likely would have divorced him. Not until 2002 did
she learn of his escapades with prostitutes.

Today, Allie knows all the details in the book, although she
doesn't want to read it. The Larkins spend virtually every evening
together. After years of emotional detachment, Nate's gregarious laugh at
the eatery is evidence that his best friend is his wife.
Opportunity Awaits

Experts say sexual addiction is bound to worsen because
teens are today's largest porn users. Addiction begins with simple
temptations or manageable sexual problems. But says East Hill Church's
Roberts, "No matter where I travel in the world men have the same problem,
but no one talks about it."

While addiction is a crippling weakness, when brought to
light, it's a form of empowerment. Laaser says he is weary of retelling
his personal tragedy, but it's necessary to offer hope to others. "Silence
is the greatest enemy of sexual health," he says.

"There are wounded men in every country medicating their
pain through sexually compulsive behavior," says Vogelman, who spent 23
years as an international high-tech healthcare business consultant. "But
the very guys that Satan poisons are coming out of that bondage to
minister to other men as they recover themselves."

Several therapists and pastors liken sex addiction to a
coming tsunami. Larkin thinks they're off base.

"The tidal wave has passed," he says. "We're standing around
in our shorts."

Yet Larkin is optimistic. "This new epidemic provides the
church with an unparalleled opportunity," he says. "The Enemy has
overplayed his hand. Desperate men will do what they have to do to get
help."

John W. Kennedy is a consulting editor for CT and news
editor for Today's Pentecostal Evangel.

Copyright © 2008 Christianity Today. Click
for reprint information.

Related Elsewhere:

A short article on the Samson Society accompanied this article.

Inside CT: Porn's Stranglehold tells more about what
John Kennedy found about Christians and porn in writing about sexual
addiction.

More articles on sexuality and gender are in our full-coverage
section.

© 2008 Christianity Today International