ALL IS SAFE

The weather is getting more crisp.

I put an extra shawl over my fuzzy robe to drink my tea, and watch the hummingbirds still greedily sipping their nectar. They will have an amazing journey. They will fly over the Gulf of Mexico in a single non-stop flight. What a marvel of nature. What a marvel of determination.

I must also find some determination.

I will sprinkle the ashes of my precious Jeffrey in the woods.

I will watch as the leaves come down to guard him from the winter cold and winds. He no longer needs his blue blanket. The trees are older and wiser guardians than I ever could hope to be. They touch high in the canopy above us, whispering their protection for the little birds who have nested there, the naughty squirrels who scamper from branch to branch, and the all-knowing owl, who hoots from time to time in the depths.

Underneath, their strong roots send secret messages of security to the little mice, the chipmunks, and the foxes, and to each other. All is safe. All is forever. All is as it should be.

I envy those with photographic memory. I envy those who can conjure a perfect picture of a face, or a number, or even sequences of choreography. My memories run like the sparking water of Jeffrey’s fountain. I can never quite still them in a freeze frame. My memories of Jeffrey skip laughing across the falling leaves, or peek up at me from the depths of warmth in the bed.

Autumn has always filled me with a disquieting melancholy. I have always ached for an indescribable loss. Yet, it is with this loss that we appreciate the gifts we have been given.

I have had very rich rewards in love.

Now I must be strong and share what I have learned.
I must be determined.

All is safe. All is forever. All is as it should be.